This Pussy Is Not Up For Grabs

My ex-fiance used to grab my pussy.

He would reach between my legs, both from in front and from behind, and grab my pussy.

He did this for the entire three and a half years we were dating/engaged.

He did this in private and in public.

He did this even though I asked  him many times to stop, to not do it, even though it repulsed me and embarrassed me and always sparked my fight-or-flight response.

When I asked him to not do this in public, he would retaliate by doing so even more often.

I felt degraded every time it happened.

I hated it then. I hate it now. Just thinking and writing about it tonight, sitting here safe on my couch in the comfort of my own home, I am uncomfortable. My legs are tightly crossed, shoulders hunched, body drawn in on itself. The last time this happened was 17 years ago, and my hackles are still raised like it happened just moments ago.

This was done to me by someone who supposedly loved me, cherished me, wanted to spend his life with me. I said no. I said I was uncomfortable. I was ignored.

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I was in Iceland this fall when the Access Hollywood tape from 2005 came out. I refused to watch it, but reading the transcript, reading Trump's "hot mike" words, brought back those same feelings of unwanted touching that my former fiance caused.

I naively thought that the tape would torpedo Trump's chances. I was wrong. I woke up on November 9 to a country that had elected a president who bragged about sexual assault.

"When you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. ... Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do anything." (Source: New York Times)

This is not a normal action. This conversation is not harmless locker room banter. This is sexual assault. Any touch that is not first invited by explicit, enthusiastic consent, is assault.

As for the women that he claims "let" him grab them. Did they really? Did they invite it? Or were their reactions simply moments of frozen shock, of disbelief of what just occurred, of making a split-second decision to not make a scene? For women in the public eye, there probably was a weighing of risk. Is the  satisfaction of calling him out on his unacceptable actions worth the fallout? Is it worth the risk of having "bitch", "harpy", "feminazi who can't take a little friendly grab", and worse, become part of your public, professional image?

I can tell you, that for all the asking my ex-fiance to stop grabbing me between the legs, asking him to stop was all I did. I didn't react in public. I didn't yell, I didn't punch, I didn't slap him across the face, I didn't run away. And the biggest risk to my public image was that the salesclerks at JC Penney would think I was declasse.

I like to think that if someone did this to me now, even a long-term partner whom I loved, I would react loudly and negatively, and damn the consequences. I don't know that I would though. It's pretty ingrained in my psyche to not make a scene.

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The week after the election, I told someone I love dearly that I was scared, that I felt physically unsafe. This is a person I know would fight anything and everyone to keep me safe. And tried to reassure me by reminding me that no matter who the president is, there are still laws. Assault is still illegal. Rape is still illegal.

And this is true. But they are not easy to prove. And even when they are proven and convicted, the punishment can be unbelievably weak.

This past summer we watched Brock Turner go on trial for raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. There were two eye witnesses who testified. And while yes, he was convicted of 3 counts of felony sexual assault, he received a sentence of only 6 months and was released from jail after 3. Because the judge did not want to damage his bright future.

I do not find the law reassuring in this instance.

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I want every woman person reading this to know: if you tell me you have been assaulted, abused, raped (and I sincerely hope that none of you ever are), I WILL BELIEVE YOU. I don't care what you had to eat or drink, what you were wearing, where you were, or who the assaulter is. None of that matters. Unwanted attention is unwanted and unwarranted no matter what, and I WILL BELIEVE YOU.

(YES - men can, and do, suffer sexual assault, which is why I changed my original phrasing above.)

I'm not sure how to wrap up and end this post. There's no easy solution, no happy ending, nothing tied up with a bow on top.

Trump is still president. I am still horrified that my country elected someone who brags about sexual assault.

Grabbing anyone without their explicit, enthusiastic permission is unacceptable.