Spiritual Flailing

I don't necessarily like to talk about religion a lot, especially in a public forum like my blog or the Book of Face. Partially because I feel that a person's religious or spiritual believes are his own private business; partially because I don't want to come off like I am proselytizing. I've been thinking a lot about things lately though, and I want to try to sort them out on paper, so to speak.

In the past year, I think I've gone to church once or maybe twice - Easter service with my mom, and I don't remember if I went at Christmas last year or not. I know I haven't taken Communion in well over a year, and that has only partially been due to not having been to church on the first Sunday of the month (Protestant over here). I've struggled with this a lot. I've wanted to go to church, but there have been certain aspects of my life over the last year that have left me feeling "not right" with God, and therefore feeling pretty awkward about walking into a sanctuary. It has been much easier to pull the covers up over my head (literally and figuratively) and sleep in on Sunday mornings. I don't feel right taking Communion, because I don't feel like I am in any kind of a state of Grace. I believe that God is forgiving, but I also believe that you have to ask Him for forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness implies repenting and saying you're sorry - and I just can't.

I don't regret what happened. I don't regret my part in things, what I did. Given a second chance, I do believe that I would likely make the same choices. I walked all over one of the Big 10, and I'm not sorry about it, and that makes me feel like a complete hypocrite when I go to church. I believe in God, I consider myself a part of the Christian faith, but I think this may be the first time in my adult life that my personal life and spiritual life are at such odds with each other, and I'm lost. There were a lot of instances in the past year where I said "Maybe the universe (i.e. God) is trying to tell me/you/us something" and really did believe it. Part of me still thinks it is part of some bigger Plan, something I can't see yet, but what if it's just my brain convincing itself of that to assuage my guilt? My guilt that I don't actually believe in, but that I feel inside every time I think about church?

So where do I go from here? How do you reconnect with your beliefs and with God when you know you are a sinner, an intentional sinner, and don't want to take it back? Is that even possible? Probably not; I feel like I am being the typical, 21st century, Christian-when-it-suits-me spiritualist who wants the happy touchy-feely aspects of religion but doesn't want to do the hard work. I don't know how to get past this. It would almost be easier if I was questioning my beliefs - atheist/agnostic/I-believe-in-a-higher-power-but-not-the-trappings-of-a-Christian-God are all valid choices in our world. But the fact that I do believe in a Christian God narrows the scope and focus of my personal spiritual world, and I am at odds with that.

I am forcing (and yes, it really is "forcing") myself to attend church services during this Advent season. It's 4 weeks, plus Christmas Day service with my family. I don't have to take Communion next week, and if I sit in the back row, it is likely nobody will notice. I am reading a couple of books on the spiritual aspects of the Christmas season, and I plan on having some kind of nightly ritual during Advent (once I dig out my decorations and unpack the Advent candleholder). And mostly, I'm hoping that somehow I'll figure this out.

Deep thoughts for the end of a long weekend.

Thirsty Thursday

Perfect evening!

Leftover wine (and mac and cheese, almost escargot, and white chocolate bread pudding) from dinner at CM last night with Merrow, the first fire of the season in the fireplace, comfy pj pants and slippers (not shown).

I opted not to drive 20 miles out of my way in rainy rush hour traffic to have happy hour with former coworkers, and instead came home to this. Definitely the right decision!

Review Tuesday: Brain Origami

Ahem. There will be spoilers of the movie Primer. And probably of Memento and maybe even of The Sixth Sense. If you haven't seen these and want to at some point, it's on you if you read any further and get spoiled!

I would like to start by saying I normally have no problem with non-linear timelines. I read and enjoy books about time travel that skip back and forth between eras (Connie Willis's The Doomsday Book, To Say Nothing of the Dog, and Blackout/All Clear; Audrey Niffenegger's The Time Traveler's Wife). I had no problem understanding the "twist" to Memento - and given that the movie's website was www.otnemem.com, I didn't understand why everyone was so flabbergasted that (SPOILER ALERT) part of the movie is shown backwards!! (And I'm not trying to make those of you who didn't get Memento right off feel bad, I'm usually not very prescient. I didn't pick up on any of the clues and was therefore completely shocked by the ending of The Sixth Sense.) At any rate, I liked Memento and didn't have any problems following it at all. I like brain-teasers; I like things that make me think through them, I like puzzles.

And then I watched Primer. Which starts out as a time-traveling nerd/engineer indie, and then got really really weird, and my brain tied itself in knots trying to figure it out. The IMDB synopsis states "Four friends/fledgling entrepreneurs, knowing that there's something bigger and more innovative than the different error-checking devices they've built, wrestle over their new invention." Which I guess is technically true, but really doesn't even come close to describing half the movie. The premise of Primer is a bunch of engineers designing a time travel device, and then traveling back (and forth!) in time to affect their futures. And their pasts. Basically, the movie made sense through the first half, and then started doubling back on itself so may times I lost track. Person A came back from the future to tell himself something to tell Person B so that Person B could discuss it with Person A (current) to enable the whole time travel thing so Person A (future) could come back in time? (And that was the part I understood!) There is an excellent diagram of movie timelines on XKCD, comparing Lord of the Rings, Jurassic Park, the original Star Wars Trilogy, 12 Angry Men, and Primer. Having seen all of those movies, I can honestly state that the following graphic is correct.

http://www.xkcd.com/657/

My brain is still trying to untangle itself from attempting to understand the full plotline of Primer.

House-iversary

Ten years ago today, I became a homeowner for the first time. I bought a cute little two-bedroom townhouse condo in a leafy suburb of Rochester NY.

The closing was scheduled for the afternoon, and I took the whole day off from work. I loaded boxes and bags in my car and drove to the closing with a full SUV, ready to head over immediately after I signed away my fiscal life. I didn't sleep there that first night; I couldn't manage moving my futon mattress on my own, and didn't see the point of sleeping on the floor when I had a nice comfy bed 6 miles away.

The next day was Friday, and I got a friend to help me move the futon that afternoon. I took Boo (who was about 8 months old at the time and Not Impressed that Momma had been taking stuff away for 2 days - I think he thought I was going to take it all and leave him in the apartment!) with me and we stayed for the night, sleeping on the futon mattress on the floor.

On Saturday, I rented a UHaul truck and a bunch of the guys from work met me at my apartment, loaded up the truck, and moved me into my new place. I look back at pictures from right after I moved in, and it's amazing how empty it was compared to three and a half years later when I moved to NH! And even that was empty compared to my place now.

Thanksgiving was the week after I moved in, and my parents came out with a small UHaul trailer with some hand-me-down family furniture. That helped the emptiness of the place. They also helped me do a bit of decorating and home improvements - as I recall, we painted the bathroom and kitchen, put up some shelves in the basement, and hung a bunch of stuff on the walls.

I can't believe it's been ten years!

Elevenses

Thank you to all the veterans and service members who are currently serving our country and protecting the rights guaranteed to all Americans in the Constitution.

Congratulations to my cousins, M&M, on their wedding day. I wish you a life filled with happiness.

And finally, happy anniversary and another big congratulations to Crow and Mander, who celebrate their 10th anniversary with a LEGAL wedding in their home state. I hope that by the time you celebrate 20 years and M&M celebrate 10, that your wedding will be legal in all states and recognized by the US government.

Parking Wars

I live in a condo complex of 2-bedroom townhouses. There are 16 units, 16 covered carport parking spaces, and 24 outdoor parking lot spaces. If every unit has 2 cars (which they don't, there are at least 4 that I know of with only one car) that leaves 8 visitor parking spaces. Granted a couple get "lost" in the winter under snowbanks. But still. There *should* be plenty of parking. So why did I have to listen to a 45 minute bitch-fest from a bunch of neighbors during the open discussion portion of tonight's Condo Board meeting? Gah. Too bad I'm only Madame President and not Grand Supreme Ruler on High, because if I was the latter, I could have had them all beheaded or sent to the dungeon or at least made to sit in different corners until they could be nice to each other.

Pinning on Pinterest

I'm finally getting around to posting about the Pinterest-inspired project I did a couple of months ago. For those of you who don't know, Pinterest is a giant online "inspiration board", a digital clippings file if you will. You can "pin" pictures from anywhere on the web. Pinterest will create a link to the original source, so for instance, if you pin a picture of some delicious-looking recipe posted on someone's blog, you will later be able to click through to go back to the original post to get the recipe.

On my Pinterest account, I currently have 17 different "boards", almost 400 pins, and a lot of ideas of "hey, I should do that some day!" Back this summer, a home DIY blog I read did a Reader Pinterest Challenge where they challenged everyone to pick a project they had pinned and complete it. After all, it's supposed to be inspiration on what we want to do or make, right?

This was my inspiration photo:

Photo from Design Sponge here: http://www.designsponge.com/2011/05/diy-project-clothespin-mirror.html

I knew I had an old circular mirror somewhere. This mirror is about 2 feet in diameter, and came from my Great-Grandparents W's house after my Great Aunt passed away back in the '80s. The mirror itself is in pretty good condition, not too wavy and only 1 or 2 small dark spots. It's etched with a saw-tooth pattern around the edge, but other than that it is very plain. No frame or beveled edge. I liked the look of the clothespins around the circumference of the inspiration picture, and I knew I already had some wooden clothespins from back when I lived in Rochacha and dried my laundry in the basement. I dug out what I had for pins, made sure they would fit on and stay on the edge of my mirror, and then headed to AC Moore to pick up additional clothespin supplies.

I wound up getting 3 different sizes of pins - mini, medium, and large. The large ones were the same size as the ones I already owned. I figured I could alternate sizes around the mirror. Here is everything laid out before I got started:

I tried a couple of different patterns of pin sizes, but eventually decided on a large-mini-medium-mini-medium-mini pattern repeat. It took me 17 repeats to get around the mirror, so that's a total of 18 large, 34 medium, and 68 mini clothespins.

End result:

I love the sunburst pattern that emerged with varying the sizes. I also like that the pins had slightly different wood tones depending on size, so there is some variation in color. The original instructions with the inspiration photo called for gluing the clothespins in place, but I didn't really want them attached permanently. There seems to be plenty of tension in the springs to hold them in place; the mirror has been hanging in the guest room since August and none have fallen off yet.

So - one Pinterest project complete. 399 to go!